I decided to die a long time ago#
I couldn't find a purpose, so I chose to leave. Maybe I was never truly whole.
My Birth#
I was born in a small village that was occasionally noisy but usually peaceful.
My grandfather was just like my father, at least in character.
The most painful memory I have is about my grandmother - she passed away when I was very young. According to relatives, she was killed by my grandfather. I remember that when I first picked up a paintbrush, I imagined a picture of my grandmother being beaten to the point of coughing up blood. That was my tragic artistic enlightenment.
As for my mother, her love surpassed all reason, which deeply moved me but also left me disappointed.
My Childhood#
The male elders in my family couldn't take care of me, so I was entrusted to my grandmother, who was commonly referred to as "going back to her mother's home." This was unusual in the countryside and inevitably led to gossip.
I lived near the old battlefield of the Huaihai Campaign, and I often found leftover bullets and rifles. In fact, I could even pick up unfired bullets on the roadside when I was in junior high school. These were very useful things. Unfortunately, most of them disappeared while I was playing with my fellow villagers.
Most of my childhood memories have become blurry, but there are still some memories that are unforgettable:
I watched the black and white Journey to the West, the colored Journey to the West, and the animated Journey to the West for a long time. With so many versions of Journey to the West to watch, I was still very happy.
In the winter before I started school, I suddenly became very happy and took my grandmother to a small shop one kilometer away to buy firecrackers. We had a great time. That should have been the happiest moment of my life.
The first time I lied was in second grade because I didn't do my homework. That day, I was immersed in watching TV and lied that I had already done it, using the content from the previous two days. Although the content was the same, who would submit two half-filled sheets of paper as homework?
The first time I realized that reasoning couldn't solve everything was in second grade when I was bullied by a classmate. Even if I told the teacher, it wouldn't help. Only when I fought back against the teacher would I be punished.
The first time I became addicted to a game was in fifth grade when I played Plants vs. Zombies. It was fun back then, and it's still fun now.
My Adolescence#
The influence of people during middle school has a profound impact. It was a departure from the immaturity of elementary school and ensured clear memories.
During junior high school, my eyes revealed ignorance and confusion about the world. At that time, although I felt confused, I couldn't fully understand my own feelings. Later, I chose to take a break from school and transferred to a strict disciplinary school in the second year. There, I gradually adapted to the strict rules and found my own happiness. I had a good relationship with my classmates, and during that time, I experienced what is called "normal."
Junior high school ended, and I got into the second-ranked high school, which was considered satisfactory.
But I don't want to mention it anymore. Those are some memories that made me collapse. And I have other things to do now.
My Youth#
Perhaps it refers to the present.
Unable to sleep all night, unable to sleep all day. I finally have to face the problems I've been avoiding for many years.
Who am I, where am I, what do I want to do?
I've spent 8 years searching for the answers to these questions, but unfortunately, I haven't found them yet.
I don't know my purpose, so I'm dead. I don't think I'm a complete person.
A complete person can live on inertia, but I can only rely on the will of others.
So I say#
I am someone who needs to be needed.
I am here.
I have nothing to do.
Maybe I should die.
But first, I want to meet those friends I've never met before.
I don't even know if I'm ready. I really wish I could ask my deceased friends if they are in pain.